When I was a junior in high school, I began taking birth control. I spoke with my physician, and she recommended and prescribed a low dose of estrogen pills. At the time, I was in a relationship and committed to caring for my health and body. I felt this was the best decision for me. For the next nine months, I took my pill every night without fail.
Without a doubt, the pressures of being a junior in high school can be a major source of anxiety and depression. The combination of starting to think about college, workload ramping up and the perks of being a 17-year-old was a recipe for discomfort. I come from a family of anxiety, so it did not come as a shock to me when I started to show symptoms and develop habits rooted in anxiety. I was constantly worrying that there was something wrong with my health, whether it was continually fearing that I was going to pass out or that I was going to have a heart attack. My anxiety began to consume me, and I couldn’t go a class period without texting my mom things like, “Am I gonna die?” “Am I gonna have a heart attack?” “I’m dizzy. Am I gonna pass out?”Â
That same year, my mom started to work in the admissions office at my school, so I had the pleasure of being able to visit her whenever I wanted. While this was a special circumstance to go to school where my mom worked, I took advantage of her presence, often leaving class sporadically, arriving late to practice or lingering between classes – driven by a deep fear of being alone and worrying that something might happen to me. Before this year, I had never exhibited the same level of anxiety that both my mom and sister experienced, so it was no surprise that my mother and I were confused about where it was all coming from. There was a small part of us that questioned if it was all stemming from the birth control I was on, and when the question of me coming off of it arose, my anxiety only worsened.
Each night, I would go into my parents’ room to talk about going off birth control, and each time, it would end with me pacing around the room with tears in my eyes, afraid of the “consequences” of going off: skin purges, hormonal changes and even changes in my sex drive. It became clear that these “episodes” I was having were not particularly healthy, and I eventually made the executive decision to discontinue the birth control I was on.Â
Soon after my body began to adjust again, I felt like a whole new me. It became clear that the birth control I was on had completely turned my personality and mental health around for the worse. It felt like, in an attempt to protect my body, I was only hurting it more.
Flash forward a year and a half, I entered a new relationship. The same mentality of wanting to protect my body resurfaced, and I found myself drawn to beginning birth control again. Unsure if the pill was truly the root of my mental health challenges the first time around, I decided to give it a try again. Shockingly, I didn’t last a month. I began to quickly feel the same way I did the first time I was on birth control. All I wanted to do was keep my body safe from something that I wasn’t ready for yet. I felt pretty defeated.
After two attempts of trying a hormonal birth control pill, I decided to try out another method of birth control when I came to college: the ring. I met a girl in my dorm who was on the ring and claimed she had no problems, so I thought I might finally find a method that would work for me. Without sharing the details of why the ring was not a match for me, I will just say that my body was not a fan. A month on the ring, and my body was full-heartedly rejecting it. I felt so incredibly frustrated that no matter what I did, I couldn’t find a method of birth control that wouldn’t drastically affect my body.
At the beginning of 2025, the major political changes that began to take action around me left me fearful of my potential outlets of bodily protection. I felt that if I wanted to ensure my autonomy, I needed to attempt to find a birth control method that would work for me.Â
I made an appointment with my gynecologist to discuss every potential option out there — literally everything. When I shared with her all of my previous experiences with birth control in the past and the mental health challenges that I face today, she shut down a large portion of the options. Although it was my choice in the end, she shared with me that a vast majority of birth control options would increase my anxiety and depression but that there are still options out there that would work for me. Although I was not surprised, considering the experiences that I had previously endured, it was frustrating to hear that protecting our bodies means harming them in another way. There is no perfect recipe.Â
After much conversation and consideration, we finally landed on a potential option that might work for me. I felt satisfied with where we landed, and I can say that after a month, I feel most like myself on this option. Even though I feel like I have finally reached the end of the road, I still hope that there comes a day when birth control is not such a tedious and complicated process – a day where we don’t have to compromise our well-being just for the sake of protection.Â